Sometimes as women we get ourselves in sticky situations,
sometimes driven by loneliness, the need to fill a void and at times the need
to explore. This however doesn’t happen only with women but with men as well. People
stray for many reasons; tainted love, revenge, unfulfilled longings, plain old
lust, a rebellion against plain old matrimony or even a quest for intensity.
Often in relationships the shadow of the third creeps in, whether
we like it or not. This shadow lurks around the corner and presents itself as a
threat within our homes. This shadow can be physical or imaginary. As Esther
Perel puts it in one of her books “The third is the manifestation of our desire
for what lies outside the fence. It is the forbidden.” Perhaps that is why such
a few affairs last after the marriage that inspired them dissolves.
Esther goes on to explain in her book that, Perfect love is
sufficient unto itself. So fragile is this fusion that the presence of another,
even in fantasy is powerful enough to shatter it.
The shadow of the third can be in a form of an actual affair
or just a fantasy. A fantasy can be as shattering and devastating as an affair.
This was illustrated perfectly in the movie Eyes
Wide Shut, with Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. In
the movie when Bill and Alice returned home from a Christmas party that
had sparked a conversation about sex. Bill had assumed that Alice is incapable
of infidelity, Bill was so sure of his assumptions. Alice then decided to
enlighten him and described in agonizing detail just how powerful the power of
the other can be even if it’s nothing more than a mirage. Alice described to
Bill a fantasy she had with a naval officer she desired from a distance, they
never met, they never even exchanged words but his instant hold on her was
strong.
Bill was devastated by his wife’s revelation and spends the
rest of the movie trying to avenge the betrayal and restore order to his broken
world. This is a clear indication of how a fantasy could generate the same sense
of violation as an actual affair.
In some relationships a partner’s security rests not only on
what the other partner does but also on what they think.
A recent radio interview hosted by Chriselda with Penny
Lebyane, Nonkukuleko Ndlovu and Kedibone revealed just how far certain affairs
could go. Some affairs could go as far as when the partner is away with his
wife and kids, the mistress would be on the 6th floor while the
family is on the 8th floor. Chriselda went on to discuss the burden
it also has on the mistress as they sometimes have the hope that their partner
will leave their wife one day.
She went on to give tips on how to be a good mistress, such
as availing yourself every time your partner wants to meet. Be
prepared to be disappointed as you won’t be spending as much time as you wish.
In a nutshell being a
mistress or having a threat of the
shadow of the third, it could either be disastrous or like as Alain de Botton
said Infidelity, not the act itself, but the threat of it can be capable of
rescuing a relationship ruined by habit.
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